Actress Kristen Bell spoke about this last month when in an interview she said "Here’s the thing: For me, depression is not sadness. It’s not having a bad day and needing a hug. It gave me a complete and utter sense of isolation and loneliness. Its debilitation was all-consuming, and it shut down my mental circuit board. I felt worthless, like I had nothing to offer, like I was a failure." To read Kristen's full interview, click here.
I know exactly what she means, and exactly how she feels.
A few months ago I was seeking help for some weight loss. Being told that it was one of the three of my anti-depressants that was making me fat the lady convinced me that I should ween off of them all and try this new and improved drug. The super drug that would hit all the chemical receptors in my brain that the three did together. "Welcome to the New Century Drugs!" She exclaimed. Sounded legit to me! After all, she was the professional. She has had a lot of clients with success with this new wonder pill. So I took 2 1/2 weeks weening off pill #1. I took another 2 weeks to ween off of pill #2. She then gave me the new pill to take along with pill #3 while I ween off of that one simultaneously. At this point I am fit to be tied. I am drowning. I am SO depressed that I sleep. I sleep so that I don't cry. I sleep so that I don't yell at my kids or my husband. I close my shutters so that I can't see the weeds that are grown three feet tall. I hadn't done laundry in 2 months. I have stopped doing everything that I have loved to do. I sleep so I quit thinking about what the neighbors would say. I cry All.The.Time. I sleep so that I stop thinking about ending it all. I had an exit plan out of this life. But I held on to the hope that she had this master plan and that it was going to work. The hope that if all else fails, that I can at least go back to the old meds that actually worked.
Well, it didn't work. And she kept upping the dose knowing that I wasn't correctly adjusted yet. Knowing that it can take up to two weeks for anti-depressants to work. Thinking all along that it will eventually work. I even spent big money to take a Neuro-Chemical test that would tell me my Serotonin, Dopamine and other brain chemical levels. She was going to help make up the difference with who knows what.
Well, weeks went by. A month went by. The complete incompetence level at this clinic was so vast that I was getting so angry! The wrong tests were ordered. The right hand wasn't telling the left hand what it was doing. Test results were being lost. I was emailed the wrong thing... twice. I ran into the clinic to get copies of the test that the right hand was giving me, but not giving it to the left hand. I was being neglected.
I can say that because my current Psychiatrist and Therapist both told me so. That's right. I got so bad that Jason called my insurance and got a list of names of people to go to. People that actually knew what the hell they were talking about. I am angry. I am angry at Her. I am angry at myself. I am angry that I let myself believe that this would actually work. But mostly angry at the half assed way that she took absolutely no care of me in my deepest hole of life. Hindsight is always 20/20.
Days turned into weeks, which turned into a total of three months. I missed three weeks of work. I missed three months of my life! Today is three months that I went down this path. During which was baseball season. I attribute that to helping me at least get out of the house. I also re-tiled my fireplace.
That fireplace saved my life. Even though the two day project took me two weeks. I had to sleep, you know.
Then I turned 40. 4-0. FORTY. I had a wonderful day. It was the first day that I had put on makeup in two months. I made sure that I pampered myself that day. Breakfast, pedicure, lunch, facial, dinner, movie... the whole nine.
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My new MD has me adjusted and feeling back 90%. She said that my brain was mad at me and that it would take a little longer to get up to 100%. I can deal with that. Oh, and PS... the Wonder Drug that would replace all three, actually would only replace one.
The therapist told me that I should write this down to help me heal, to get over the anger against myself because frankly, it wasn't my fault. She told me to write a letter to the lady and tell her how I felt. The next day the lady actually called me. I don't think I'll be hearing or seeing her again. I'm surprised that she stayed on the line as long as she did listening to me all the while apologizing and just listening to me. I'm sure she had the bird finger held up to her phone on the other end. I know I did.
I would feel remiss if I didn't mention what a rock Jason has been for me. My shoulder to cry on, my cheerleader. My parents also quietly holding my hand and being there to cry to.
The day's have become fewer and fewer that I sleep all day. I'm back to work. The weeds are still three feet tall. I haven't planted any annuals this year and don't think I will. I'm laughing again and that feels really good.
Today I woke up and my son actually told me that I sounded happy. That made me want to cry. I just might have.
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